By Uzor Maxim Uzoatu
It all started at the local secondary school in Ndiorumbe when the literature teacher, Holy Nwankpi, asked his students: “Who wrote Things Fall Apart?”
The first student pleaded his innocence thusly: “I didn’t write it-o!”
Another student pointed an accusing finger at the denying student and screamed: “He is a liar. I know he wrote it!”
The class prefect joined the fray with these words: “I saw him when he was writing Things Fall Apart with a red biro!”
Before Teacher Holy Nwankpi could mediate, the argument had turned into a free-for-all fight that attracted the attention of the school principal who said: “I am very sure one of them wrote it! These bad boys can write anything!”
The ruckus was so bad that policemen had to intervene, and they made arrests, promising to detect who wrote Things Fall Apart.
“The author is dead!” Holy Nwankpi cried, struggling to end the matter.
“Yes, the writer must die!” retorted a police constable, whacking Holy Nwankpi with a baton on the head that promptly sat the poor teacher on his buttocks.
The DPO was loud with his statement: “It must be one of you who wrote Things Fall Apart and we must fish you out, by fire by force! You are so fond of writing Things Fall Apart against the government!”
Not even torture could get any of the arrested students to confess to writing the dreadful words – Things Fall Apart.
The local government chairman was soon alerted, and he quickly took the case to the state governor to help uncover “the writer or writers of Things Fall Apart and all their evil accomplices.”
All the security agencies were then brought in “to unravel the mystery of writing Things Fall Apart as a veritable to bring down the government.”
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The juju-doctor attached to one of the agencies came up with this grand revelation: “It is a wailer who wrote Things Fall Apart to kill our democracy!”
It was discovered by the undercover agents that the matter of unravelling the rebel writers of Things Fall Apart is not a local matter for the local government or the state.
The matter had to go federal for full discovery to be made.
The state governor made a broadcast, stating: “This dangerous matter of writing Things Fall Apart is a federal case!”
The Special Adviser on Mendacity was alerted and he thundered: “I have not been in this job for two months since our election triumph and they are already writing Things Fall Apart against me and our democratic government!”
An unstoppable purveyor of Mendacity, he instantly promised to take the case to the presidential palace for “the immediate arrest of the loser or wailers who aided the students in writing the mother of all hate speeches called Things Fall Apart against the regime of hope anew.”
The strategic presidential adviser was raving with words: “There is no Fake News worse than writing Things Fall Apart against the corporate existence of our dear country. Things Fall Apart must be the Hate Speech of a tribal bigot!”
The other presidential spokesperson, a witless bundle of excitement, bellowed for good measure: “Writing Things Fall Apart at this time of our national progress is worse than Restructuring and Confederation, even Secession! The writer or writers and their backers must all be arrested presto and charged with High Treason!”
With presidential precision, a high-powered committee was set up to probe into all aspects of writing Things Fall Apart against the touted regime of hope.
A special delegation was sent to Dubai for onward investigation round the whole wide world to uncover “the dastardly writer of Things Fall Apart.”
“This writing of Things Fall Apart is corruption fighting back,” said the agbado-chewing chairman of the probe panel through his gbegiri-festooned teeth. “How can they write Things Fall Apart against us in this great season that we are celebrating our hard fought grab-it-and-run election victory?”
The secretary of the panel piped in: “We need to take a Chinese loan to ensure that we probe into all the angles pertaining to the writing of the satanic verses called Things Fall Apart.”
With the China loan in the bag, a suggestion was made by a member of the panel for the summoning of the rural teacher, Holy Nwankpi, who started the Things Fall Apart hate speech.
When Holy Nwankpi was brought before the panel, wearing his trademark Tai Solarin-like khaki shirt and shorts, the rustic teacher burst into epileptic laughter, rolling on the floor and laughing some more.
“This fellow is unrepentant about this dangerous hate speech matter of writing Things Fall Apart against constituted authority!” screamed the panel chairman, with his chewed agbado flying here and there from his mouth. “Lock that laughing bigot up!”
News flew fast and free that Holy Nwankpi was being tortured to death in a dungeon.
Holy Nwankpi’s pre-teen son in the desperate bid to save his father had to confess that he was the writer of Things Fall Apart.
NTA broke the hot news that the unpatriotic writer who wrote Things Fall Apart against the government had at last been caught red-handed!
The Breaking News ran on NTA all day and all night with many technocrats and public affairs analysts chipping in their diverse fulminations on the importance of capturing the writer of Things Fall Apart.
In fact, one of the technocrats, a bearded chimp, stated that the catching of the writer of Things Fall Apart is the greatest achievement since the birth of Lord Lugard!
A presidential yacht ride for him!
A public holiday was promptly declared across the nation for the nabbing of the dangerous writer of Things Fall Apart.
Several solidarity messages flowed in celebrating the great capture of the bandit writer of Things Fall Apart.
The national merriment was wow on the unprecedented arrest of the criminal bigot who wrote the monster hate speech of three dangerous words: Things Fall Apart.
Oga-At-The-Top then appeared from atop the rock and hollered: “Try him for Treasonable Felony for writing Things Fall Apart!”
