By Usoro USORO
(uusoro@yahoo.com)
I’m leaving Akwa Ibom for good. If you ever see my shadow, flog me with APC’s broom stick! Going back to my village – in the United States of Idung Iniang! Just tired of an ungrateful lot, who make my big mouth run faster than my brain!
The other day, that’s how they made Governor Umo Eno to forget his main speech. Instead, perhaps to fill the gap, the man declared all his children were trained in the United States – before he got to Hilltop. All. Not some. Not most. All! An Ostrich feather in his cap.
Shockingly, some disgruntled fellows tried to cause “mutiny” in the man’s family. Some even suggested that maybe, he is not the father of Rehoboth, the young man, who recently wrote his last exams in Uniuyo – along with goats and chickens. The fellow’s not even a graduate yet! Anyway, for me, I see nothing wrong in a boast that makes a politician puff up like a toad after rainfall.
Imagine! Some are celebrating that Eno was caught in the crossfire of his own tongue. H-e-ll-o-o! I will never join you-o. This is the work of the governor’s contractors, sorry, detractors. So, instead of castigating him, blame it on the “rain”!
Yes! Milli Vanilli is my witness. The German-French R&B/pop duo taught us in the 1989 to blame everything on the elements. Paraphrase: “Whatever you do, don’t put the blame on you…blame it on the stars…blame it on the moon…blame it on the sun…blame it on the rain! Ye-e-e-y;Ye-e-ah!
We sang and danced and forgot. Not knowing today will come for the application. Now, you see, a recent report from meteorologists says too much rain can make a politician forget things. Someone said it results in boast. But then, what is wrong in building a family resumè and reputation, if you can’t build roads?
The governor’s enemies have been so restless, relentless, unkind, tireless in their pursuit of scandal. Ah! See oyinbo! Well, their efforts left the poor man no choice but to raise his chin, puff out his chest, and declare to the world that all his children were educated in the United States of America. The audience almost refused to clap until the SSG did. Unfortunately, reality insisted that Rehoboth took his last exams, from the University of Uyo. Maybe Oga forgot. Afterall, they say, he is the last son.
So, how dare critics dance on the governor’s claim like masquerades on a village square? Why are they shouting “Liar! Liar!”? Yet, they provoked Oga into boasting. If you were harassed daily about bad roads, empowerment, unemployment, fake group leaders and darkness, etc, would you not hide under exaggerate stories?
I just can’t stand ungrateful people. That’s how Udom Emmanuel used his personal money to work for the state, yet the enemies kept asking for tangible results. They even questioned the state’s unprecedented huge debt, under his watch. The audacity!
In the process, they caused the world’s richest and most generous man to drop the unforgettable line, “I don’t nerrit!” In plain Ibibio English, Udom was merely boasting that he didn’t need Akwa Ibom’s money. Well, he didn’t exactly reject it, either. I even asked “Charity”, the lucky lady known for benefitting from every phantom gifts from politicians. She denied getting any Akwa Ibom money from Udom. Yet, to boost his boast, he left us a phrase that still trends in pepper-soup joints.
Now, critics blame history for allegedly repeating itself. They insist Eno must have learnt “badly” from his Oga. But, hey, let’s blame the enemies for scratching the governor’s ego until it began to itch. If tomorrow he shouts, “All my ancestors studied at Oxford,” we must blame the opposition for making him to open his mouth too wide.
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In fact, it is time the state assembly legislated to deal decisively with such political antagonists. We need a Penalty for Provoking Boastful Leaders Bill (PPBLB). Under this law, anybody found guilty of forcing our governor into careless overstatement should be fined a goat, two bags of garri, and a public apology written in capital letters. Repeat offenders may even be sentenced to attend University of Uyo themselves, just to learn humility.
Oga Governor, sir, a little advice: it’s better to let your words walk like a tortoise — slow but steady and truthful — than to let them gallop like a goat that escapes the rope, causing chaos everywhere. Bragging that doesn’t line up with reality is like a man who claims his wife is a virgin after she gave birth to twins.
Sir, as the elders say: “The mouth that eats yam should also be ready to drink water.” Nigerians may forgive a poor road, a broken promise, or even a disappearing budget line, but we rarely forgive careless talk. A leader’s credibility is like egusi soup — once it falls into the sand, no matter how much you try to pick it out, nobody will eat it again with confidence.
In the end, this whole episode reveals less about Governor Eno’s honesty than it does about Nigeria’s toxic political culture—where leaders boast to feel important, and detractors complain to feel relevant.
So, before we roast the governor any further, let us first sanction his enemies. I hereby “command” them to keep quiet for a week. Perhaps, the governor would stop talking carelessly. Else, well, the garri fines will boost local economy. And stomachs! Those in favour say: Aye! The ayes always have it!
